January

Kiernan having fun with the iPad

January was a busy month. We both went back to work, Bryan went back to classes, and Kiernan and Patrick went from a daycare to a nanny at her home. Our nanny is in our ward, and offered to watch the boys for a steal. We decided it would be better overall to have the boys with her than int he daycare. While Kiernan needs the socialization with other kids, Patrick also needs the one on one time as we now knew what his hearing loss was. Our nanny has a kid of her own who had just turned one, so we felt it was a good place for the two boys to be. She lives in an apartment complex, which means Kiernan will have opportunities to socialize with other kids in the area. A huge bonus: she's from Brazil and speaks Brazilian Portuguese. She agreed to have some Brazilian Portuguese time with Kiernan, which Bryan was very excited for.

Bryan got a car this month. Someone in our ward was selling their car, and Bryan really had had it with the metro here in DC. He'd be able to spend more time at home/doing homework if he was able to drive. So we got a car for him! We are back to a two car family again. It's a sporty car, so Bryan enjoys driving it. Has a nice stereo system, a big muffler, tinted windows, etc. Definitely not a car for us to do any family activities in :)

Patrick had his third scheduled ABR on the fourth. At this visit, he no longer had fluid in his ears. Hooray! Bryan was able to go with me this time, and he had a better understanding of just how hard it was to keep Patrick awake and hungry before the appointment.
At this appointment, Patrick was found to have a profound hearing loss. he had no responses to anything, except for one questionable response on his right ear. We got ear mold impressions made on the 19th, and got his hearing aids two weeks later in Februarty.

My 29th birthday was this month. I can't believe that I'm now in the last year of my 20s. Bryan got me an iPhone for my birthday, so hopefully I'll be able to take more pictures of our two boys. :)

Holding a bottle for the first time, with the Nanny. Growing up!

Finally got a picture that shows his BLUE eyes. He's also wearing his hearing aids :)

Kiernan attempting to cue I Love You

Patrick laughing :) 

December

I should note that I've been having to go back and post what happened month by month. I honestly don't remember much about this month.

Patrick did have another BAER test scheduled. Unfortunately he still had fluid in his ears, so if we had tested him that day, we weren't going to learn anything new. We also had follow up ENT visits towards the end of November. Nothing was wrong other than fluid in the ears at those visits as well. The next ABR was scheduled for the beginning of January.

Patrick really started enjoying making noises this month. He's reaching for toys and loves watching Kiernan all the time. He lights up whenever Kiernan or Bryan walks into the room.

Christmas was very low key this year. It was the first year we had Christmas without any of our immediate family members on either mine or Bryan's side. While we missed them, I really do think that we needed to have a calm Christmas. Bryan had just finished his first semester at Georgetown, and I had just finished the first half of my work year here. New school, new state, new baby, new jobs....that's enough excitement to last us awhile :).

I only have a couple of pictures on my computer of Patrick from this month, no one else. I need to be better about that.

November - BAER testing

Before reading on, I ask that you respect my feelings and decisions. I have friends who are a part of the Deaf community, I have friends who are not a part of the Deaf community. I am aware of the politics, and feelings people have about children with a hearing loss, etc. I debated a long time before deciding to post this, and feel that I need to as this also serves as a journal for me. I will reserve the right to delete any demeaning and disrespectful comments. I love all of my friends, and hope they can show the same love and respect for me as well.

Patrick had his first BAER testing this month. Fortunately my parents were here for this so I didn't have to go alone. It wasn't until the afternoon, so we spent the morning at the National Zoo so we could wear KB out, and hopefully keep PK busy enough to not focus on being tired and hungry.
When it was time for the appointment, my dad took KB home to get lunch and watch tv (he refused to take a nap), while my mom went with me to make PK stay awake in the car seat. That was not fun. My friend Jenny can attest to this as she helped me do this at a later date. My mom was flicking ice cold water into his face, dripping it into his hands, rubbing it on his feet, etc. just to keep him awake. Boy was that baby mad.

We got there, and the audiologist introduced herself. We first went in and tested his ear drums. He had fluid in his ears. This does affect the test, however the audiologist still wanted to proceed. She explained the process, then left the room to allow me to nurse Patrick to sleep. The whole point of keeping him awake and tired before the test is so that he'll be so tired during the test, he won't wake up. He did BEAUTIFULLY, meaning he stayed asleep for so long she was able to do every single thing they needed. It took just over an hour to do it all. She did air conduction, tone bursts, and bone conduction. As I was watching the computer screen and her face throughout the whole thing, I just knew. I knew our son definitely had a hearing loss. I had seen enough BAER test results through my job to know that he wasn't showing any peaks in the readouts (brain activity picking up sound).

I flashed back to a time when I once told my friend Jenny that I was afraid of having a hearing child (KB), because I didn't grow up hearing and feared I wouldn't be able to relate to him as well. Here I am now, with a child that more than likely has a hearing loss, and I'm scared out of my mind. Why? heaven knows, I'm deaf myself! Yet I knew why. I was scared for him to go through all the different trials, etc. that I had to go through. I guess just being a parent is scary, period, no matter how your child comes out.

After that long hour was over, she confirmed that Patrick definitely had some kind of hearing loss. However, the degree was unconfirmed due to the fluid in his ears. He showed NO responses to anything....None. Even the bone conduction, which proves he definitely has a sensorineural hearing loss to a certain degree. The bone conduction test can only test so loud, hence why the degree of the hearing loss was still a question. At best, he had a moderate hearing loss.

I put on my brave face, and everything echoed in my head that everyone else has been saying "At least I'm deaf. At least I understand. At least I'm prepared with the background knoweldge. At least I do this for a job. At least I have experience with both hearing aids and cochlear implants. At least I have family members who are deaf. At least I already know a visual communication system. At least, at least, at least."

We got home, life went on. My parents left a day later to go visit my other siblings.

I was very surprised at my own reaction to all of this. I thought I would take it in stride. I always knew there was a chance one of my kids would have a hearing loss. However, I still wasn't prepared for it actually happening. I was angry. I blamed myself. After all, it is my genes that made him deaf. It *IS* my fault. I suddenly found myself envying the parents that didn't know why their child was deaf, or knew why but it wasn't due to genes or anything the mother did. At least it wasn't their fault. I cried, a lot. I had a VERY difficult time going back to work hearing all the "at least you know what it's like, at least you have experience" things all over again. It took a lot in me to not just say "I don't care, it's still my fault and I don't deserve to be his mother."

Like I said, I was surprised at my reaction. My parents were surprised. My husband was surprised. My close friends were surprised. It really just hit me harder than anyone thought it would. My husband was more at peace with it than I was, and he's hearing!

It wasn't until something happened at work where I met a new family on my caseload that made me step back and take a new perspective that I was able to get out of my "blame me, I'm an awful mother" stage. Obviously I cannot really give details, but in short, this mother had so many other trials going on compared to me,t hat I just had no right to be acting they way I was. I was being selfish. I have since come to peace with what has gone on since then.

I still fear for Patrick's trials as he grows up. I also fear for Kiernan's trials too as a sibling of a deaf child. However, at least I DO know what having a hearing loss is like. At least I DO know the different communication modality options out there. At least I DO know the amplification choices out there. At least I DO know child development, and what is supposed to happen in Patrick's development. All of those people were right. At least I DO know. How hard must this be for parents who have never had anything to do with deafness or hard of hearing, especially with young children? That's exactly what my role is in my job, to guide those parents to making the decisions that are right for their family.

This experience has given me a whole new perspective on how I will do my job. I respect and appreciate what new parents have to go through a lot more now. I understand the grieving parents do more now. I understand the grieving some parents don't do, and admire them for that. Already, Patrick has given me another blessing in my life and that is to help broaden my understanding of being a parent as I try to relate with and support the parents I work with. Kiernan has done this too, in his own way.

Both of my boys have changed my life for the better, already. I love them. I also love my husband for helping me understand what I was feeling, and supporting me.

I am ever grateful for my family, and wouldn't change a thing.

November

In November I was fortunate to have more family come out to visit us.

My parents were able to make a side trip to DC during a business trip in Chicago (how they made that work, I don't know, and don't care). My brother Michael and his wife came down from Philly to visit as well. So we scheduled the baby blessing to be during that time as my parents were not able to be there for the birth. Below are the pictures from the baby blessing:

Patrick in his baby blessing outfit:

Photo Credit: Chance Hammock

KB having fun with the leaves at church:

Photo Credit: Chance Hammock

Our little family:

Photo Credit: Chance Hammock

Us with my parents, my brother and his wife:

Photo Credit: Chance Hammock

It really was wonderful having them here. 

Then we had KB's birthday the next week. He turned 3!!!! I can't believe it. I also can't believe we're a family of 4...so...yeah.

The kid can NOT keep his eyes open for pictures. It drives me nuts, but it's endearing at the same time.....most of the time :) 

Yes, I made the cake. Yes, it was worth the work after seeing his smile :) 

Patrick enjoyed Kiernan's birthdy as well :) 

Patrick also began smiling this month :) 

October

I went back to work in the middle of this month. It was SO hard to go back to work after I got four weeks of just simply spending time with my boys. KB continued to go to daycare while I stayed home with Patrick, we had to pay for it after all. KB LOVES going to "school" and tells me about it almost everyday. Almost everyday he also says he misses Papai. We do too bud. KB didn't pay much attention to PK for September, but this month, he really did start bonding with him here and there. He tries to help with the binky and gives him hugs.
 

 I love how they love each other.

 

Patrick really started being more vocal this month and eyes really opened up a lot too. We've been amazed at how blue his eyes have been compared to KB when he was born. Unfortunately all the pictures make his eyes just seem like a dark color.

 We have not had any additional testing yet for hearing as we had to wait to schedule it for November. This will not be a fun test to prepare for. In order to do this BAER (or ABR) test unsedated, I need to keep Patrick awake and hungry for at least 2-4 hours before the test. Any new mother knows that a crying and hungry newborn is hard to deal with.

My brother and his wife came with their three kids to do some visiting with us and other friends. It was SO good to see them! They were also kind enough to watch our two boys while Bryan and I had a date night to see Les Miserables at the Kennedy Center. We got tickets for that night specifically to see it subtitled. This meant we got to sit near the orchestra pit, and someone had reserved ASL interpreters for that night as well. All I can say is that it was the MOST amazing date I have ever been on. I have fallen in love with the musical, and just cannot get over how amazing it was.

 However, I did love Halloween this year. KB is still very much into Toy Story, and he recovered from a week long virus just in time for us to go trick or treating. We really didn't know that many people in the ward, so I sent out a general e-mail to the ward asking if we could join anyone. A lot of people responded, and we ended up going with Denver, a boy who is just a few months younger than KB. He went as Yoda and was really cute too. We actually ended up trick or treating for a lot longer than I had planned. That doesn't matter though, we had a lot of fun.

Patrick is born

This month was crazy. I started work, met my colleagues and had a healthy baby boy.

 The repeat c-section was scheduled September 16th, and it went very very well. Patrick was born, big, healthy and strong. He a little bit of jaundice when he was born, but it resolved on it's own. He did not pass his newborn hearing screening, three separate times. I told myself not to worry too much about it as children born by C-section often have fluid in their ears left over than babies who are born vaginally. I still cried a bit when they did it the third time and got the same results, but was able to get it together again, and just say I'll take it one step at a time. I also told myself that at least I was somewhat prepared to possibly receive this kind of news. The girl who broke the news to us just did not do it very well, and I really hope she builds up her bedside manner FAST.

 My recovery went quite well. My mother-in-law, Dale, was here before and after the birth to help. She was a HUGE help what with Bryan needing to work and go to school still, and KB still being at daycare and home. I'm not sure how we would've survived without her! It was weird to not have my own mother there,or any of my own personal relatives for that matter, but I knew my parents would be able to come out sometime soon. I was able to go home a day earlier than planned.

The rest of the month had a lot of doctor appointments because Patrick was not gaining the weight he was supposed to do. This caused a lot of tears and stress for me, as I wanted to be able to get things right before I went back to work. I then got mastitis for the first time in my life. Something I hope to never have again. It was horrible and awful, and I don't think I have EVER felt so sick in my life. Once again, Dale was around for this and was a huge help in getting me to the emergency room in the middle of the night when I just couldn't handle it anymore. Below are pictures from Patrick's birthday, first bath and other fun things. :)
 

 And we can't forget about big brother KB:

 

Life update

So I got my CI update taken care of, now I can do an update on my little family before we become a family of four. This is a very short summary, a lot has happened :)

Back in January we found out I was pregnant, due September 23rd.
Fast forward to March, Bryan got accepted to a few universities for his Master's. He ended up choosing Georgetown in Washington D.C.

In May, Bryan moved out to Alexandria and stayed with some very dear friends (Chance and Jenny) while looking for a job to help prepare for all of us to be out there, while I stayed in Midvale to finish my contract for my job, and K.B. stayed with me. We did skype with Bryan every night, except for one or two nights, but those were taken care of with phone calls.

In June, I interviewed for an early intervention job in Fairfax County that would allow me to do basically what I was alerady doing, but with Listening and Spoken Language, Cued Speech and American Sign Language. I was offered the position and accepted it a week after the interview. We had a job with insurance lined up :) Bryan continued to look for work and a place for us to live.

In the middle of June, our Midvale lease was up, so I packed up all of our stuff, with the help of Kayla, an old college friend who did the entire kitchen (thank heavens, because I HATE packing the kitchen!), and Scott and Hannah who helped with some last things on the day of getting everything into storage. Since Bryan wasn't around to help load everything into a U-haul and unload it into storage, I wasn't sure how it would work out. It worked out perfectly. My Dad, brother-in-law, sister and 7 other guys from our church helped load and unload everything. My neighbor watched K.B. while this was happening, so it really made a HUGE difference in how things went. Since everything was pretty much packed, the men were able to load everything into the U-haul and my dad's truck, then some guys went home, but the rest went over to the storage (1 mile away), and unloaded everything into a 10x20 apartment. This was not easy, as it was for a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment. I will forever be grateful for all the work they did. It all fit! I then took the few things K.B. and I needed for the next few months (clothes and some books) and we moved to my parent's house.

In July, Bryan accepted a job at the Brazilian Embassay as a translator, which also has insurance, which we did not have to pay a premium for, so we are going with his insurance. We are both very fortunate in what we've been able to find out here, and in time for us to get going with our jobs.

Bryan flew back to Utah the first week of August, was there for two days, and then we headed on our road trip from Utah to Virginia with Bryan, K.B., pregnant me and our cat. Along the way we got to see Martin's Cove, Mount Rushmore, the Ingalls' homestead (Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of Little House on the Prairie), Nauvoo, Kirtland, my brother Michael and his wife in Pittsburgh, and arrived in Virginia. This took from Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon. When we got to VA on Friday, we went straight to my new doctor's office to try and get things taken care of so I could get in immediately, went over and signed the lease to our apartment, then crashed at Chance and Jenny's place (again, very grateful for such good friends). Saturday, we moved into our place, but it didn't take much because we only had basically our clothes and a few necessities.

We have since borrowed camping chairs (one of which I broke :(), two air mattresses, blankets, and towels. We have cheap dollar store dishes, paper plates and plastic utensils. We definitely miss our furniture, but are grateful to have even the above things to last us until we have our own things.

Bryan started at his new job last week on Monday, 2 1/2 days after got into VA. I started orientation for my new job this past Monday, and K.B. has started daycare at a place that I have been very pleased with so far. He loves it, and they just have so many fun things for him to do that he's exhausted when he goes to bed, which is what I want :)

Our stuff just got moved from storage into a trailer today, and we will hopefully have our stuff by the end of next week. I am very very excited about that.

Bryan starts school on Monday, and my contract starts on Monday as well for my job, so I'll really be working next week.

The baby's due date is September 23rd, and we have scheduled the C-section (for health reasons) for September 16th. Basically, I'll have only worked for three weeks before taking about the same amount of time off to have our baby boy and recover. I feel awful, but it's not something that could be changed :)

As you can see, our life has been crazy. Since getting here, we've started jobs, K.B. started "school", we've been through an earthquake, we're possibly going through a hurricane, I've gotten pulled over (no ticket though, it was an honest mistake and the police officer was very kind), our GPS has broken and we got a new one, I've had a heck of a time finding things that we need that aren't where I thought they would be in stores, etc. Life has been stressful, but quite an adventure and hopefully things get better/easier from here on out :)

I miss my families that I worked with in Utah like crazy, and think of them often. I look forward to working with families again, and adding to our own family.


Yes, this was a long post, but I did warn you a lot happened, and that really is a summary of everything that's gone on this past year :)