vent

Tired of being me. 


I'm having one of those I suck horribly days. I've already managed to piss off someone extremely close to me this morning before 10 AM. 
I've found out also that all the work I've been doing for my parents, well, it's wrong. The other company just decided to change the format of what I'm working on, again, so now I have to start all over....that's 308 files I have to reformat now. 
I also managed to miss something about my payment, it went through earlier than it was supposed to (online bill pay), and I haven't been paid yet. 
I've also had a couple of guys that I dated once before basically tell me I was a jerk, then I decided to venture on to ircle out of complete and utter boredom yesterday, and ran into somebody that hates my guts for something that happened 6 years ago, sad thing? I still strongly dislike her for what she said to me. 
This week has also been a harsh realization of how insecure i really am, and i'm hating myself for it, which has led me to think if i ever ask for too much, and before I never thought I did, but now, maybe I do, and for some odd reason it's really crushing me inside that I might be asking for too much. I also hate that I do have a tendency to do things just to please people, but then when I go and try to do something to please myself or do something for me or want something for me, it backfries or gets in someone's way somehow, or gets a negative reaction from those around me. Every time I'm completely honest about how I feel, there's an argument. 
I want to be 19 again, when I was truly happy for just a couple of months. You know when those couple of months were Bryan, if you don't, then you'll know by reading my xanga. Where did I go wrong? and don't worry, you're the only one who can read this. I figured, the e-mails have got to stop, but I need to let you know how I'm doing, the e-mails are annoying you, at least this way, you can just read this when you actually have time instead of having to go through a bunch of e-mails interrupting you at work or something like that. It's the best way I could think of to get what I needed to talk about off my chest without getting too much in your way. I'm sorry i got you mad, I'm sorry i made you even more mad this morning. I'm sorry. 

engagement

having a conversation with a friend of mine who just got engaged, getting married In august. he's been engaged for...a month i think or less. this is what he had to say:

"I hate engagements. I hate the idea of them. It's beyond me that we allow Satan months to use his 6,000+ years of experience. It's like..."hey satan...here's your chance to really screw things up. Give it your best shot!" It's so not worth it for some damn receptions. Sigh.... but anyway....I can definitely tell you that there's gonna be major fireworks on your honeymoon. I mean...6 months of waiting? FIREWORKS, I tell you!"

It made me laugh :) and make me think that I really am crazy.

Wedding planning

I sit here and I look at this "countdown to a perfect wedding" thing, where basically it gives a break down of how far in advanced you should do everything, etc. I want to cry with how much there is to plan. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited, very excited, but I hate the idea of how much it may cost, I don't have a budget yet, I asked three weeks ago, and my parents weren't able to give me one, so I don't know what I can take care of. I've been trying to work on the address list for invitations and such, but my brother and sister-in-law haven't gotten back to me on the relatives one, (btw if you want an invitation and i haven't gotten an address from you yet, let me know please. :) ). Bryan and I have done at least the majority of our registry, I don't know if we still have some stuff left, oh wait, yes we do now that I think about it, but we have the majority of it done. so that's good. *pff* just seeing all this stuff to do, makes me feel stressed about it, and I don't get married until october (yes, i know, not that long, but it sure does feel like it's FAR away). *sigh* any advice from anyone out there might be nice :) yet, it's gonna be a wedding! YAY 8dance*

preschool

I'm really depressed about this, but at the same time relieved. 
the preschool isn't going through after all. :( I was really excited to get some experience in by doing stuff on my own and such. But Seems it was too short of a notice for all the parents out there. One parent was dedicated to everything, so she'll be helping me to start preparing things for next year. I'm really sad. I miss kids a lot. 
On the othe rhand, it means a lot less stress. I have one job, but I may need to get another as I also do work for another job so I can get all the money I need to save up for stuff for the wedding. I love money, I hate having to work so hard to get it. But that's life. But at least it means I won't have to travel back and forth to SLC so much without seeing Bryan, cheesy I know, but it would drive me crazy knowing he's within driving distance but either in school or at work and not be able to see him. Oh well. At least no stress will be coming from it.

My friends!!! *drumroll*
I give you.....BOREDOM HAS TAKEN OVER THE HOUSEHOLD!
*cymbal crash*
http://s21.photobucket.com/albums/b267/slvrchic83/Boredom%20Takes%20Over%20the%20World/

(note: This boredom took over after a couple of hours of playing with some logic puzzles...)

Hawaii

Hawaii was good. Had it's ups and downs, but I've returned in one piece, with only a slightly burnt back/shoulders. No other sunburns, amazing. 
Took all day to travel there,we left my house at 9 am utah time, but we got at the hotel around 11 Hawaii time, in other words, 7 pm utah time. 
Went and did baptisms at the temple, which is whole nother story in itself that i doubt i'll ever get to on here. :) then the beach. (I'm doing this by day, this is day 2) Then my brother showed up that night. 
Day 3, ummm...dang...what did we do.....this is taking me forever to figure out what we did....wow. I know Day 3 was saturday...hrmph. HAH, just went and asked mom :) Saturday we went to Pearl Harbor. We saw the submarine, and i can't remember what it was called there (no not the Arizona, we saw another exhibit we had to pay for). But we got to go in and around the submarine. It was cool, especially since my dad was in the navy, as was my mom's dad, and my dad's grandpa. My dad was on a nuclear submarine, so it was bigger than the one we got to see. The one we saw was only made to submerged when running away from the enemy since i thad guns on top and all. The longest my dad was submereged on a submarine was 75 days, this sub was made to go no longer than 12 hours. Then we went to see the Arizona memorial, we found my dad's grandpa's brother's name on there. So no direct lineage, but it is my great-grandpa's brother. Then we went to the beach again :) Then we to the swamp meet in the Aloha stadium nearby. We spent quite somet ime there, it was fun, I love flea markets. :) Then we went to the beach and dinner, and walked around town for a bit. (we stayed in waikiki). 
Day 4 - We went to church. Man, the native men there are super friendly to the guys, didn't really talk to the women. The native women however, man, they were cold. The only women in RS that even acknowledge me were the white women, and ironically, all from Utah and have been to heber at oe point or another. All five of them, cracked me up. Then half the family went to see a big waterfall, my brother i guess was too sore to go hike, but hew as the driver of the other car, so not everyone could go, so i stayed, i'll just have to see it next time, should there be one. Then there was an hour and a half long parade near the hotel, so we watched that, and holy long parade, and VERY VERY SO VERY different. It was weird for me not to see the rodeo queen in the parade. :) Saw some majorettes, made me miss baton very very much, but i'll never give up music for anything else for as long as i can. :) Then we just chilled at the hotel
Day 5 - dang it was a monday....hmm...what did we do. OH Snorkeling, I have to say that was one of the big highlights of the trip. Coral doesn't look all that sharp, but boy is it. I barely touched it, and i managed to stab my hand, get four punctures in my foot and scrap both legs. Not bad, just didn't think i would get hurt, I thought I was extra careful. Then we went to the world famous shrimp shack. First time I ever had to peel my own shrimp. It was good, then we went to the polynesian cultural center. I wish I had had ALL day there instead, we didn't get to see everything, so if i go back to hawaii, i'm seeing that again for sure. That took up the rest of the night, we all crashed at the hotel after that. 
Day 6 - Breakfast Buffet/Omelette Bar right by the beach. Was awesome, morning swim at the beach until the afternoon. Sisters wanted to check out china town, they were sorely disappointed. :) We then did some walking around, went to watch the sunset. BEAUTIFUL, barely made it in time due to dad getting lost which was getting pretty darn funny cause of how my mad my brother gets at everything. It was funny, shouldn't hve been, but it was. We were able to take last minute pictures, that sun sets FAST. we didn't even have 5 minutes to take pictures by the time we fund a beah to take pics at. We hung out awhile there, then went to a REALLY CRAPPY SUCKY buffet dinner. Packed, and went home for Day 7. 
I'm purposely leaving out all the bad stuff that just made me really grumpy at times. :) I've complained about them enough, thati should suffice for now. Generally, great time in hawaii :) I just hate facing reality when i've been gone for a long period of time. I have tons to do, ad it makes me want to cry....bad.

Weirdness

So I'm sitting there talking to my mom about preschool stuff. A guy I wanted to date for almost two years, and never got to (very long story), texted me out of the blue tonight. I forgot I still had his phone number on my cell. Anyway, the last time I talked to him was way back In january where basically I told him I was practically engaged and doing well. We text a little, then he calls, and we talked for awhile. Basically it was a conversation of him saying he wished he had asked me out earlier, etc. I've had these before. And me reassuring him this time that i was not going to break my engagement off, just made me feel really good about my decision to marry bryan. Like i knew i wanted to marry him before, but I think I needed this little reassurance lately, after all, life isn't always pretty :). It was also cool, cause the whole time I knew this guy, I wanted to date him so bad, and was dating other guys and had 2 or 3 boyfriends while i knew/liked this guy. Each time he would start talking to me, didn't matter what guy i was with, i just wanted to date him. This time though, i just laughed and chuckled in my head and had no desire to be with him like that in anyway. It would be so fun to sit down and talk with him, but after this conversation, i'm not sure if it would be a good idea on his part :) It was just nice. But what made everything more weird, as soon as I get off the phone with him and get on the computer, not too long after I talked to Chance, two other guys msg me, both who i've dated before, asked me if i ever wondered if i should've kept dating them, etc, whatever happened, and why we're not together now. Weird. My sister then got an e-mail where a girl she hadn't talked to in almost 6 years e-mailed her out of the blue as well. I dunno, just a weird night. Good, but weird. :)

Addiction

I guess the headaches seem to hav ebeen from not taking lortab as I seem to be addicted to it at the moment (Having been on it for a week, I'm sure my body feels like it needs it). Went to the doc, did blood and urine tests this time, confirmed i don't need anti bioitics, it's just a virus that I just have to wait out. The two antibiotics were what were making me feel sick pukey and crampy and kidneys hurting. So hopefully that goes away soon as I've been instructed to not take those anymore. Just have to take more lortab than i have been normally when I feel the need to (such as now as the headache is building up and everything is fuzzy :) ). So mostly the same....the lump is the lymph nodes with infection, I have to wait that out as well. joy. :) Sad part that literally made me cry (course I get very depressed when I'm sick for a long period of time), I may be sick for another two weeks, I go to hawaii in just under a week.....oh well, such is life i guess. :)

Sick..achey

continuous migraines
achey body everywhere
i want to die
fever/chills/hot flashes
suddenly have a lump on my neck that's been there for 4 days
may go to doctor for the third time for this tomorrow.
i want to cry, but if i do, it'll make my head hurt more
did i mention i want to die?
oh and infection from a sliver on my hand that won't go away either.
it sucks